Why does gratitude hurt? Am I alone in this?
When you feel the need to express your gratitude -- and for those of us in the US, that’s what tomorrow is supposed to be about: the spontaneous, free-flowing outpouring of soul-conjoining gratitude...or so the Hallmark version goes -- what happens inside you? Do you actually cringe a little? Does your so-called heart-felt gratitude actually make your heart feel a little panicky & small?
I hear you, if it does.
Recently, the Universe knew I needed to look at this issue, & gave me a friend whose true kindness actually hurt, somewhere inside me. I was constantly feeling like the gratitude I was offering in return was never enough, & the whole dynamic was making me shrink. In a lot of situations, I might just have backed away from the friendship, since I wasn’t able to balance what I was receiving with what I was giving. But I needed this friend & the Universe made sure I knew it. So I had to find a way to balance things out.
When I could finally see this dynamic as being both pervasive in my life and not true to the person I know myself to be, I committed to understanding and, if possible, healing it. What I found was a very powerful belief system based on the idea that I didn’t deserve kindness.
Talk about a sucker punch. Allowing myself to feel that went all the way into my gut & took every bit of air out of me. How do you process the belief that you don’t deserve kindness?
Well, you can start by seeing it as bullshit.
I’m beginning to see this sense of undeserving as something inherently human, for whatever reason. We all feel it, in one aspect of our lives or another. And it’s all bullshit, I just can’t say that enough. It’s not true, it’s not real, it’s not authentic, it’s not you. But, I get that that doesn’t necessarily help you get through to pumpkin pie tomorrow. So, let’s hang onto that avowed certainty upon which I will swear at my deathbed, & move forward.
The other huge thing I learned about gratitude is that when you’re offering it from a place that’s hollow within you, you make yourself smaller. If I have nothing, & I give you some of it, I have less (and you’re not getting much out of the bargain, either ;) ).
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Because there is a place in you that isn’t hollow. If you’re here, and you’re reading this, there’s a place in you that resonates to love. There is a love in you that’s strong enough to want to heal, even if it’s a little battered & worn out. And that love is a very beautiful place from which to draw your gratitude tomorrow. And always.
So before you pack up the mashed potatoes & green beans, & get into the car to drive to Mom’s, take a minute to find the place in you that actually loves those people who’ll be around the table. Find the place that loves them for who they are, not what they’re saying or doing, or what they did when you were 9. Let yourself see the light in them, the thing in them that wants to love you, even if their own source of love is a little battered & worn out.
And instead of looking for some mythical, Hallmark-card gratitude, just let that place inside you speak. Because that place is beautiful; I can see it from here.